Cynicism has rough edges, the ability to squelch the joy that may be right in front of ones face. I used to be quite the cynic, at times, devoid of simple laughter. Choosing instead, to look at life, the perspective of all things from a darker hue than others. There’s a sense of arrogance, that somehow a cynic is smarter, funnier, hipper, than others who might not “get it” (whatever there is to “get.”) This was me for a long time – to a point. The heart of my person knew otherwise, though perhaps, cynicism was a way to cope with insecurity. I could never quite gain the insight or courage to truly be myself, believing instead, the cynical part was a central part of my character. Niceties go a long way, though not sustainable. The underlying cynic in me manifested my self-doubt. Somehow I was able to portray a nice person simmering in darkness.
Then I met a non-cynic. He turned out to be a man of unlimited proportions. Like an onion, the layers were never-ending, though on the surface, the ability to laugh, enjoy life and not take himself too seriously.
Non-cynics are not necessarily shallow individuals. On the contrary, their depth is to be commended. In the relationship, I learned to let go of cynicism. This entailed me to see life with more joy. Gratitude is no longer a passing whim when I feel it should be, it is now centerfold of my foundation. Kindness is a strength, the niceties dissolved. Mom used to say, “Don’t ever equate my kindness for weakness.” Also, “Cari, don’t ever apologize for the person you are.” Nice words, though lose their meaning if not demonstrated and practiced. While I appreciated her loving tone, I didn’t fully appreciate the impact until years later after she passed away.
I married my non-cynic. It’s a relationship filled with reality and commitment, joyousness and acceptance, appreciation and respect. I’m less dark, lighter, breathing as a woman fully entrenched in the present. Mom’s words speak truer each day. I’m living them. Once one discovers their truth, there’s no reason for apologies. Mistakes, yes, of course, yet mistakes do not define a person. There’s no end to questioning life or a curious mind. Allow yourself the pleasure to be you. You, too, may breathe a bit easier.
We’ll find each other soon. ❤