In the vastness of depression, I’ve learned several things about myself.
1.) The hole opens, the hole retreats, yet the hole will never completely disappear. I’ve accepted this reality.
2.). This too shall pass. The passing includes restfuless days and nights, eating crappy food, drinking more than usual, not running on the canal (or basically no mining of dopamine of any kind), resorting to dumb YouTube videos like “The 10 Best or Worst Cruises The Year” (like I really enjoy cruising?) or an over abundance of cold case/murder stories. And of course, of late, rewatching every Mary Tyler Moore show from all 7 seasons. All part of the passing period.
3.) There are people who care about me. Truly, for who I am. I’m learning to accept this reality as well.
4.) Sometimes increasing my anxiety meds helps just a tiny bit.
5.) Talking about certain issues only helps when specifically expressed. The articulation takes place only when not depressed. The waves of depression have little to do with specifics in life. It feels more like the fluidity of nothingness.
6.) Throughout the last 8 years, bouts of depression last an average, a week. I don’t allow myself to timetables any more.
7.) I remain a half-glass-full-chick. It’s in my bones. At times, depression is not a choice. Either is forced happiness.
8.) It’s ok, if not necessary to sit in sadness for a time and reel back from socialization. It’s better to stay off this iPhone and refrain from social media.
9.) Gratitude always makes her way back. She is in my bones as well. She releases my sadness and strengthens what I’ve come to terms with – my badass heart and mind. I’m stronger because of the pain.
10.) My adult children are ALIVE. They’re ALIVE as in, not DEAD. Whatever the present instills or tomorrow throws, they are alive, thriving, their individual selves. Although not entirely sure of the women they’ve become over the years, confidence in their well-being comes from their mother’s kishka. Don’t ever underestimate a mother’s kishka.
Keep breathing, kids. I am alive. So are you.
We’ll find each other soon. 💜