I do not believe that every marriage should be saved. I’ve seen too much and listened too hard to believe that. I do not value marriage more than I value the individual souls inside of marriage. And I do not judge a love’s worth by how it ends. I do not. I believe that NO LOVE IS WASTED. I don’t believe every marriage should be saved & I don’t judge a love’s worth by how it ends. Love is never wasted. Love is worthy of the time and sweat and tears it takes from us simply because it changes both lovers forever—whether they stay or go.
~Glennon Doyle Melton
Now before we get all huffy and judgey about saving marriages under any circumstances, there’s this:
“I do not value marriage more than I value the individual souls inside of marriage.”
THIS, I get. I didn’t for years, yet now, I do. I stayed in my marriage, not valuing my own soul. I’m not even sure how much I valued my marriage. Without the value of self, how can marriage be valued at all? The thought of failure was too great a burden. Thus, instead, I kept my family in tact by doing what I believed was right, by doing what I could to support my husband, cheering him on, our provider, as we both happily raised our kids. (And BTW, lest one might misunderstand, the majority of our years together, life was pretty darn grand. I am grateful for those years.)
There are no excuses. There are reasons.
As years rolled on, my own unhappiness changed the course, not only for my marriage and eventually divorce, but for an entire existence of life I’d known. I do not fault my former husband for the choices I made. Choices were my own. There are always consequences for one’s actions. He had his own demons to battle. Neither one of us knew how to fight. At the end of the marriage, we were surviving. Barely.
Healing begins with ourself.
The beginning of this process called “being accountable” was petrifying. Have you ever taken a good, looooong look at yourself before? Scary stuff. The deeper I saw myself, the darker the hole. Sheer panic following the consequences from horrific choices I made caused unbearable pain – pain I caused people I love and care about – pain that can only begin the process of healing by forgiving oneself. I’ve been in and out of that hole throughout almost five years. Each time I enter, less time is spent, though humility grew.
To be redeemed is to be fractured. Fractured, I was. It’s taken me years, through therapy, spiritual awakening and layer upon layer of self-care to rebuild a life as a worthy person. Accountability, something our culture deems too harsh sometimes, is one, if not, the greatest teacher of all. I could not believe myself worthy until I began looking at myself before any other being.
I’m still here. So are you. Be glad. Be well. You too, are worthy. There’s more to talk about. I’m listening. We’ll find each other soon.