I had been away somewhere, not too far from home. The time way is somewhat fuzzy, though long enough that my girls took notice when I returned.
Walking up to the big house we lived in for twelve years, through the large living room window, I could see my youngest, about five years old. Holding her sweet stuffed animal, Sammy the bear, dancing in front of the television, mimicking the onscreen characters.
Once inside, I quietly watched her joyously dancing. Before saying hello, I decided to look for her older sister first. In a whisper, I walked down the hallway, “Hello…..anybody home?” Sitting on the floor, meticulously working with construction paper and scissors, my nine-year-old looked up. Without missing a beat of her activity, “Hi Mom!” Smiling, I sat down on the floor, when my five-year-old pranced in, plopping herself in my lap. Hair freshly washed, the mixture of shampoo and her natural self, cuddling her, I buried my nose and took it all in.
The three of us, mom and two daughters, sharing a sweet moment in a bedroom.
Waking up, sweet comfort of a dream.
I suppose dreams are not simply arbitrary. There is meaning.
For sometime, debating whether or not to reach out, to let my girls know of my impending marriage; wavering, what’s best for them, for me. Five years estranged, the girls, now twenty-seven and twenty-two, the dream permeating my heart, I’m still unsure what to do.
Though cut off, those years and moments of comfort, many more than not, I am reminded the love and joy of motherhood. Estrangement won’t ever break the joy once lived. The girls will be angry and hurt, their mother is getting remarried. They may decide to sever our ties even further or perhaps, permanently.
The risk of rejection always lingers.
The past five years, each time reaching out, each time, they lash out in anger or cope by complete silence. Do I wish to continue receiving? Shall I marry and never say anything? Are they better off finding out from others, their mom remarried without telling them first? Does any of this matter?
I don’t know what I feel. I only want to love them, live a life with people I love, people who love me, a life of peace.
The girls I love so dearly, their disdain sticks and I can’t release it long enough to reach out anymore.
Our lives are our own. We’ll find each other soon. ❤